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WOW, SHE EMPTY
Mar. 12th, 2021 05:09 amI was thinking about being a teenager on the internet and leaving stains of your adolescent idiocy and mistakes permanent in ink and pixels. Actual teenagers (I'm not one anymore) probably find it incredibly condescending to be told to be careful and conscientious about what they say and do; and yeah, that's also part of the adolescent idiocy, I guess, but probably also the fishbowl space of their world. Everything about teenage life is so fucking small and feels so fucking big. In that way, I still feel like I am one. Which... is tiring. I was always aware of being teen and hated it and only wanted to grow up. And I'm still waiting! What does that even mean?
Not to say that I did not make any teenage mistakes. Of course I did, that's why I was thinking about it. I plagiarized someone else's story when I was eleven? Twelve? Maybe older; and wow, I thought I was small fry enough to get away with it but boy did I not. Even now if you google my pen-name, you can still find the author calling me out. So unbelievably humiliating... At least, I'm not coward enough to have changed my name. And I was honest with my apology. It still sucks that I did that in the first place.
But honestly, have I really changed? I don't think I have. I opened this account because I wanted to practice penning my own thoughts and opinions and get better at articulating them, and then I did nothing for like... six years. I don't want an internet diary, but I'm caught between: "I should be brave enough to share my own voice, however embarrassing it feels." VS "I am just stuck in dear-diary-voice and that's just pathetic, that has no value to anyone." To share to gain self-respect/to share to gain an audience? Who knows!
I find myself funny when I write fanfiction. Especially with characters I love to love. Mostly all the Free! characters. I miss them so desperately. I wish to write them again but I am (a) afraid of finding out I can't anymore and (b) afraid of having no audience, which is SILLY. I don't have an audience ANYWAY! It wouldn't be new. But anyway, I reread my old Free! fanfic and it's actually pretty hilarious, my jokes are super cute and funny and in-character. But I don't think my voice is funny. So what does that even mean? And then also, I don't generally like my original fiction from tween years, because they're incredible unoriginal and flat, but I posted them, yakno? Like, I did without the second-guessing and stomach-aching I do now.
My worst vice and flaw is jealousy and it really just lingers like an ulcer.
To quote my tween self: I'm called InkWitch because I want people to say she's got magic in her pen.
And now an update from twenty five yo me: “Real magic can never be made by offering someone else’s liver. You must tear out your own, and not expect to get it back.” —Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn
Yes I must use someone else's words right now, this is the whole struggle!
Anyway. See me lock this in, like, two years' time.
Not to say that I did not make any teenage mistakes. Of course I did, that's why I was thinking about it. I plagiarized someone else's story when I was eleven? Twelve? Maybe older; and wow, I thought I was small fry enough to get away with it but boy did I not. Even now if you google my pen-name, you can still find the author calling me out. So unbelievably humiliating... At least, I'm not coward enough to have changed my name. And I was honest with my apology. It still sucks that I did that in the first place.
But honestly, have I really changed? I don't think I have. I opened this account because I wanted to practice penning my own thoughts and opinions and get better at articulating them, and then I did nothing for like... six years. I don't want an internet diary, but I'm caught between: "I should be brave enough to share my own voice, however embarrassing it feels." VS "I am just stuck in dear-diary-voice and that's just pathetic, that has no value to anyone." To share to gain self-respect/to share to gain an audience? Who knows!
I find myself funny when I write fanfiction. Especially with characters I love to love. Mostly all the Free! characters. I miss them so desperately. I wish to write them again but I am (a) afraid of finding out I can't anymore and (b) afraid of having no audience, which is SILLY. I don't have an audience ANYWAY! It wouldn't be new. But anyway, I reread my old Free! fanfic and it's actually pretty hilarious, my jokes are super cute and funny and in-character. But I don't think my voice is funny. So what does that even mean? And then also, I don't generally like my original fiction from tween years, because they're incredible unoriginal and flat, but I posted them, yakno? Like, I did without the second-guessing and stomach-aching I do now.
My worst vice and flaw is jealousy and it really just lingers like an ulcer.
To quote my tween self: I'm called InkWitch because I want people to say she's got magic in her pen.
And now an update from twenty five yo me: “Real magic can never be made by offering someone else’s liver. You must tear out your own, and not expect to get it back.” —Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn
Yes I must use someone else's words right now, this is the whole struggle!
Anyway. See me lock this in, like, two years' time.
